Step One:
Use as many "Q" signals as possible. Yes, I know they were invented solely
for CW and are totally inappropriate for two meter FM, but they are fun
and entertaining. They keep people guessing as to what you really meant.
I.E. "I'm going to QSY to the phone." Can you really change frequencies
to the phone? QSL used to mean, "I am acknowledging receipt", but now it
appears to mean, "yes" or "OK". I guess I missed it when the ARRL changed
the meaning. It is also best to use "OK" and "QSL" together. Redundancy
is the better part of Lid-dom.
Step Two: Never
laugh when you can say "HI HI". No one will ever know you aren't a long
time CW rag-chewer if you don't tell them. They'll think you've been on
since the days of Marconi.
Step Three: Utilize
an alternative vocabulary. Use words like "destinated" and "negatory".
It's OK to make up your own words here. I.E. "Yeah Tom, I "pheelbart zaphonix"
occasionally myself."
Step Four: Always
say "XX4XXX" (Insert your own call) "for I.D." As mentioned in Step One,
anything that creates redundancy is always encouraged. That's why we have
the Department of Redundancy Department. (Please note that you can follow
your call with "for identification purposes" instead of "for I.D." While
taking longer to say, it is worth more "LID points".
Step Five: The
better the copy on two meter FM, the more you should use phonetics. Names
should be especially used if they are short or common ones. I.E. "My name
is Al... Alpha Lima" or "Jack.. Juliet Alpha Charlie Kilo." If at all possible
use the less common HF phonetics "A4SM... America, Number Four, Sugar Mexico."
And for maximum "LID points", make up unintelligible phonetics. "My name
is Bob... Billibong Oregano Bumperpool."
Step Six: Always
give the calls of yourself and everyone who is (or has been) in the group,
whether they are still there or not. While this has been unnecessary for
years, it is still a great memory test. You may also use "and the group"
if you are an "old timer" or just have a bad memory. Extra points for saying
everyone's call and then clearing in a silly way "K2PKK, Chow, Chow."
Step Seven: Whenever
possible, use the wrong terminology. It keeps people guessing. Use "modulation"
when you mean "deviation", and vice-versa.
Step Eight: If
someone asks for a break, always finish your turn, taking as long as possible
before turning it over. Whenever possible, pass it around a few times first.
This will discourage the breaker, and if it is an emergency, encourage
him to switch to another repeater and not bother you.
Step Nine: Always
ask involved questions of the person who is trying to sign out. Never let
him get by with just a "yes" or "no" answer. Make it a question that will
take him a long time to answer.
Step Ten: The
less you know on a subject, the more you should speculate about it in the
roundtable. Also the amount of time you spend on the subject should be
inversely proportionate to your knowledge of the subject even though you
have no damn clue.
Step Eleven: Always
make sure you try to communicate with only a handheld and a rubber duck
antenna. Also, make sure you work through a repeater that you can hear
very well, but it cannot hear you. This will put out a kind of "LID mating
call": "Well, Joe, I can hear the repeater just fine here. I wonder why
it can't hear me?" You will score maximum LID points if you are mobile,
and with the radio lying in the passenger seat.
Step Twelve: If
you hear two amateurs start a conversation, wait until they are twenty
seconds into their contact, and then break in to make a call, or better
yet to use the auto-patch. Make sure you keep the repeater tied up for
at least three minutes. This way, once the two have re-established contact,
they won't even remember what they were talking about.
Step Thirteen:
You hear someone on the repeater giving directions to a visiting amateur.
Even if the directions are good, make sure you break in with your own "alternate
route but better way to get there" version. This is most effective with
several other "would-be LIDs", each giving a different route. By the time
the visiting amateur unscrambles all the street names whizzing by in his
mind, he should have moved out of the range of the repeater. This keeps
you from having to stick around to help the guy get back out of town, later.
Step Fourteen:
If an annoying station is bothering you, make sure your other "LID" buddies
have a "coded" frequency list. Even though "CODES" are strictly forbidden
on Amateur Radio, it's really neat to practice "James Bond" tactics.
Step Fifteen:
Always use the National Calling Frequency for general conversations. The
more uninteresting, the longer you should use it. Extra points are awarded
if you have recently move from an adjacent frequency for no reason. Make
sure when DX is "rolling" in on 52.525 that you hang out there and talk
to your friends five miles down the road about the good old CB days!
Step Sixteen:
Make sure that if you have a personal problem with someone, you should
voice your opinion in a public forum, especially a net. Make sure you give
their name, call, and any other identifying remarks. For maximum points,
make sure the person in question is not on the repeater, or not available.
Step Seventeen:
Make sure you say the first few words of each transmission twice, especially
if it is the same thing each time. Like "roger, roger" or "fine business,
fine business". I cannot stress enough about encouraging redundancy.
Step Eighteen:
If you hear a conversation on a local repeater, break in and ask how each
station is receiving you. Of course they will only see the signal of the
repeater you are using, but it's that magic moment when you can find a
fellow "LID", and get the report. Extra points are awarded if you are using
a base station, and the repeater is less than twenty-five air miles from
you.
Step Nineteen:
Use the repeater for an hour or two at a time, preventing others from using
it. Better yet, do it on a daily basis. Your quest is to make people so
sick of hearing your voice every time they turn on their radio, they'll
move to another frequency. This way you'll lighten the load on the repeater,
leaving even more time for you to talk on it.
Step Twenty: See
just how much flutter you can generate by operating at handheld power levels
too far away from the repeater. Engage people in conversations when you
know they wont be able to copy half of what your saying. Even when they
say your uncopyable, continue to string them along by making further transmissions.
See just how frustrated you can make the other amateur before he finally
signs off in disgust.
Step Twenty One:
Use lots of radio jargon. After all, it makes you feel important using
words ordinary people don't say. Who cares if it makes you sound like you
just fell off Channel 19 on the citizen's Band? Use phrases such as "Roger
on that", "10-4", "I'm on the side", "Your making the trip" and "Negatory
on that".
Step Twenty Two:
Use excessive microphone gain. See just how loud you can make your audio.
Make sure the audio gain is so high that other amateurs can hear any bugs
crawling on your floor. If mobile, make sure the wind noise is loud enough
that others have to strain to pick your words out from all the racket.
Step Twenty Three:
Start every transmission with the word "Roger" or "QSL". Sure, you don't
need to acknowledge that you received the other transmission in full. After
all, you would simply ask for a repeat if you missed something. But consider
it your gift to the other amateur to give him solace every few seconds
that his transmissions are being received.
Step Twenty Four:
When looking for a contact on a repeater, always say your "listening" or
"monitoring" multiple times. I've always found that at least a half dozen
times or so is good. Repeating your multiple "listening" ID's every 10
to 15 seconds is even better. Those people who didn't want to talk to you
will eventually call you, hoping you'll go away after you have finally
made a contact.
Step Twenty Five:
Always use a repeater, even if you can work the other station easily on
simplex ... especially if you can make the contact on simplex. The coverage
of the repeater you use should be inversely proportional to your distance
from the other station.
Step Twenty Six:
When on repeaters using courtesy tones, you should always say "over". Courtesy
tones are designed to let everyone know when you have unkeyed but don't
let that stop you. Say "over", "back to you" or "go ahead". It serves no
useful purpose but don't worry, it's still fun!
Step Twenty Seven:
Use the repeater's autopatch for frivolous routine calls... especially
during morning or evening commute times. While pulling into the neighborhood,
call home to let them know you'll be there in two minutes.... or, call
your spouse to complain about the bad day you had at work. After all, the
club has "measured rate" service on their phone line so they get charged
for each autopatch call. Your endeavor is to make so many patches in a
year that you cost the club at least $20 in phone bills. That way you'll
feel you got your money's worth for your dues!
Step Twenty Eight:
Never say "My name is ....." It makes you sound human. If at all possible,
use one of the following phrases: a) "The personal here is ..." b) "The
handle here is..."
Step Twenty Nine:
Use "73" and "88" incorrectly. Both are already considered plural, but
add a "s" to the end anyway. Say "73's" or "88's". Who cares if it means
"best regards" and "love and kisses." Better yet, say "seventy thirds"!
(By the way, seventy thirds equals about 23.3).
Step Thirty: If
the repeater is off the air for service, complain about the fact that it
was off the air as soon as it's turned back on. Act as though your entire
day has been ruined because the repeater wasn't available when you wanted
to use it. Even thought you have never paid a penny to help out with the
upkeep of it.
These easy steps should put you well on your
way to "LID-Hood". I hope these helpful hints will save you some time in
your quest to sound like the perfect "LID". I should also note that these
steps need not apply to simplex operation, as nobody really cares because that HTX-202 isn't going to get out too far with just a rubber
duck.
In doing some research, it
seems that there are several versions of "How to sound like a lid" floating
around. I have no idea who the original writer of this is but I got most
of this from KD4DLU web site. I did not make
this up and I am not taking credit for it! I will say, its sad that Amateur
Radio has got to this point, and for
those of you who get offended by it.... O well, the truth is the truth! Deal
with it, Like I have to deal with you!
KE4JCD Amateur Radio Hobby Center is published by
Robert & Rebekah Hartung
KE4JCD & KF4BEL
P.O. Box 37
Eaton Park, FL. 33840
Permission is granted to reproduce in Amateur Radio publications
as long as the original attributions are used.
This site was created with 100% recycled electrons.
Views expressed in KE4JCD.COM are those of the authors
and not necessarily those of KE4JCD Amateur Radio & More Hobby Center.
